aha! i found you!

ache

i miss her terribly.
yes, i said she's gone home to be with God, which is a wonderful thing. but i've just gone to my aunt's house and she wasnt there, and it felt... different. you know, the day she passed away, i went into her room as usual when i didnt see her in the living room, and just felt so hollow, numb, when i couldnt find her.
i couldnt bear to look at her in the coffin when they brought her back. i only snatched glances here and there during the wake the next few days, and even in those short moments i already had to sniff, tears threatening to leak from the corners of my eyes, and swallowing the lumps in my throat. the same thing is happening as i type this.
i still havent the courage to read the pamphlet for the funeral service, with all the eulogies we've written.
the wake was good. i was too busy to think about it, entertaining guests, waitressing, ushering, directing traffic, recording donations given, cleaning etc etc. however after one of my older cousins badgered me to do some sharing/delivering an eulogy for one of the funeral services at night, i was forced to think about it. the tears gushed.
i was rather annoyed at how the funeral services were somewhat made into mini "performances" like how my cousin wanted at least 2 or more of us to share, and how they tried to have all the grandkids sing a song for the service. i'm grateful the song didnt happen.
i was only with her for 18 years. when i was little she used to chase us around to feed us, she comforted us when we were upset, and when she was no longer able to walk, she ordered the adults to feed us. i just wish i had a little more time.
the day she passed away, i was planning to visit her after SPA and all, show her the artwork she hadnt seen which i've done over the years, sketch for her, sketch her. she knew my exams ended on that day, but she didnt, or couldnt wait. i regret not being able to make her laugh just one more time, to spend more time with her, make her proud of my work, to actually say i love you and make more food for her to eat.
thanks especially to alee and stella as i've said before, to boob for being there for me when i got the news, to vicky for being able to relate, and for the comfort, to navina for being so sweet and all, to aunty siew piang for coming and cheering us with the prospect of a sari, to saumya for her prayers, to yuelin for your sympathy, lovely conversation and good news, to dr catherine yap (i didnt know we were related) for always supporting and helping her, to the funny doctor who visited and asked for toasted peanuts as a joke, and for coming everyday though i dont know who you are, to all who visited. thank you.
God give us all strength.

posted by 2jo @ 6:55 AM